LOVE AND LOSS ON THE FARM

Living on a farm is such a blessing.  The joy the animals bring to me every day fills my heart with happiness and love.  There are, however, those hard days where joy is replaced with the pain of losing an animal that you love and care for. The last few days have been filled with the joy of new life as well and the sorrow of loss. People say that living on a farm, you have to expect to lose animals. That may be true, but it doesn’t make the sorrow that you feel for them is less. As I write this, days after, tears still fall remembering and wondering if I did enough. What if I……?                                                                                                                                                Those afterthoughts don’t matter. I can not change what happened and will never know if doing something else or being more experienced would have made a difference. The important thing is that we move on and keep in our heart the lost while taking the knowledge gained to use in the future.

Life

The day started ordinarily. I completed the morning barn chores and got the family ready to start the day. One of our Does Cinnamon was due to kid any day. A few weeks ago, I filled a 5-gallon bucket with all of the things seasoned goat owners recommend to have on hand for delivery. I read everything I could possibly read, memorized the possible positions the baby could be in and followed other experiences in the goat groups I belonged to. I felt prepared. We had been keeping an eye on her and noticed that she seemed a little lethargic. She didn’t really seem comfortable where she was no matter what she was doing. As a mom of three, I remember having that feeling before labor started and I had a feeling that we would see her baby/babies soon. The day passed and I completed the evening barn chores and had dinner. I had a feeling that I should check on Cinnamon. I entered the barn, and everyone was in a frenzy. The pigs, donkey, goats, even the cats were all excited. As I looked into Cinnamon’s stall, I saw her cleaning something off. Immediately, I realized that she had just given birth. There lay a baby goat and she was doing the mommy thing and getting him all cleaned up. I quickly called my family from the house. Just a few short minutes later, that adorable baby goat was on his feet and “maaaing” with the joyous sound baby goats make. About 15 minutes later she gave birth to a second baby. Shortly after, the placenta was delivered. I got to experience the second birth. What a miracle to be able to see new life brought into the world.   (I have a video of it on my u-tube channel Little House on Harmony Farms)  The babies were up walking around in no time.                                                                                                                                                   I read about all of the things that could go wrong and was so thankful that the delivery went well and everyone seemed healthy. We attended them for a while and made sure everyone settled in for the night. Then we went back to the house to bed. I went to bed thinking about how blessed we were and thankful to have been a part of such an amazing experience.

Loss

The next morning, I woke up at 4:30am. I was ready to start my morning chores and eager to see our new little babies. 

I entered the barn and heard the babies crying. I started cleaning out the pig stall and fed everyone. The smaller and youngest of the babies stopped crying and lay down in a very weird way. He seemed unable to hold himself up. I entered the stall and tried to get him to latch onto momma, but he wouldn’t suckle. I expressed some milk from momma but he wouldn’t take that either. The older baby was strong and walking around happy and his nose was warm. The little one’s nose was cold and upon close inspection, he had little pieces of shavings in his mouth. I scooped him up and brought him into the house. I immediately reached out to some seasoned goat owners to ask for help. I tried everything I could and at one point, I thought he was going to make it through. Then he took a turn for the worst. After hours of attending him, he passed away.:(

I was heartbroken. How would my children react when they returned home from school and found out that he didn’t make it? For a few hours, I even thought, I’m just not strong enough to have a farm if losing animals is part of the package. Maybe I should just go back to sewing and forget farming.  Then, I remembered why I started a farm. I remembered that the purpose of our farm was to provide my family with healthy natural food. Visions of my children drinking fresh goats milk full of nutrients and free of harmful chemicals or antibiotics came to mind. Remembering my purpose helped me refocus my thoughts. I realized that with everything that is good, there is hardship and bumps in the road. You can’t give up because you hit a bump. Greatness comes from rising above the bump and pressing forward.

All experiences weather good or bad are a learning opportunity. The wisest of people have endured many hardships and experiences both good and bad. They have chosen to learn and grow from each pressing forward. My choice today is to hold that little baby in my heart and press forward with more experience than before; allowing me to be better prepared for whatever is in store for my future.