Broken Hearted Farmer

Today, my heart hurt. It is a hurt that you would not expect from a farmer. We are thought to be tough and used to loss. This hurt did not come in the form you would suspect. It was not because I lost an animal to illness or a predator. This hurt came from the very reason that we have a farm.

On a normal day our daily chores consist of feeding, watering, and cleaning. I also give lots of attention to my animals. We pet them and talk to them and give them treats. The animals on the farm are loved so much and it shows to anyone who comes to visit. Often, when people visit, I am told how they have never been to a farm with such friendly animals and that it is such a special place.

Sometimes, we do lose an animal to predators, or other natural causes. It is never easy, and it doesn’t seem to get easier the more often it happens. Farm-life comes with the sadness from loss as well as the joys of birth or the joy of being around all of the wonderful animals. We also sell our baby goats each season. Even seeing them go off to new homes that will love and snuggle them is hard. The loss no matter how it happens takes time to get over. That is how we know we are farming the right way.

Farming for us is not just a hobby. It is a decision that we made to become more self sufficient, and to know that the food we eat is healthy. Part of that decision was to make sure that we are not supporting large commercial industries that don’t treat animals properly. We want to make sure that the animals we eat are fed properly, are healthy and lived the happiest life possible. When an animal comes onto our farm that is intended to be processed (thus far just chickens, and turkeys), in our minds we know the end result. Although we still show them love and attention, in the back of our minds, we know that they aren’t here to be pets. They are here to live the best life possible and provide us with healthy food.

Today, was a day that has been planned for over a month. It was a day that I have dreaded but knew it had to be done. I had to remind myself and my children that sometimes what we do is hard but it is important that we follow through with what we need to do. If we don’t, it is very easy for a farm to become very unbalanced and cause problems. In this I’m talking about farm finances. Each animal has a purpose on a farm just as each animal has a purpose in the wild. If we disturb that balance a farmer can fall into the problem of the farm costing too much money to maintain and often times this can lead to the farmer having to close their farm altogether. It is important to understand this balance. This is why today had to happen no matter how hard it was to do.

This morning, after my normal morning routine in my home as well as out on the farm, I hooked the trailer up to the truck and put it in position to be loaded. A friend came over to help because Stub’s is a big animal. He is our mini Hereford bull. Stub’s is a sweet spunky bull. He is not like any other bull that you have met. He loves attention and he is loved by all the animals in his small herd consisting of a mini Jersey, three Nigerian dwarf bucks and himself. He even playfully head-butts the bucks gently even though he could toss them across the pasture if he wanted to. He is vocal at meal time. Actually he is vocal whenever he sees us. I think he thinks that he can trick us into thinking it was meal-time. LOL But today was the day he was going to be leaving our farm forever. I tried to prepare him all week telling him how much I love him and appreciate him being a part of our farm. I thanked him for how he will be providing food for us for a long time. I prayed that God would give he and I peace and that today would be a day that did not cause stress for either of us. I also prayed that God let me know that I was doing the right thing and to give me strength to follow through. We used lots of fence panels to create a shute for him to come through to get on the trailer expecting him to get nervous and resist loading. Instead, as I held a bucket full of treats for him, he followed me right on the trailer and started happily eating. We closed up the trailer with him loaded in less than 10 minutes. I knew that God was answering my prayers. Not only did he keep me together, Stubs was peaceful and happy as he has been everyday on our farm.

I reached the processor after a 1 1/2 hour drive. I filled out the paperwork and drove around to unload him. As I waited, he started getting restless. I softly spoke to him and he settled right down. When the man came to unload him; because my trailer opened with a ramp rather than a swing door like livestock trailers, we had to take him out and walk him. I climbed into the trailer again thanking him for being a part of our farm and for the food that he would soon provide for us as I attached a lead rope to offload him. As we walked off the trailer he happily walked with me. He suddenly got scared and laid on the ground. I softly spoke to him and pet him and he settled. He stood up and walked with me into the fenced in area. I kissed him and for the last time, thanked him and prayed for him. As I turned and walked away, I cried. I cried and cried some more.

My heart was hurting and it wasn’t because a fox caught one of my chickens. It wasn’t because a goat had 4 babies and one was too small to survive. I cried because I made the decision to follow through with the purpose of our farm. I made the choice to have an animal that I loved so much processed to feed my family. This choice was not an easy one. It is not a choice I regret. I know it was the right choice but it doesn’t make it an easy one. I know that instead of eating meat from an animal that suffered on a feed lot eating food that is not part of it’s natural diet; we will be eating meat from an animal that lived his best life with peace and love.

I love being a farmer. Every morning I get to wake up before the sun rises to care for animals that I love and that love me back. My children get to grow up knowing where their food comes from and learn how to love and care for God’s creations. Loving does not mean there won’t be hard days that don’t break your heart. Loving means there will be times you have to make decisions that hurt to move forward. This is a part of farming. If you choose this lifestyle you must learn to take the bad with the good.